Knowing you can Always count on Me...for Sure.

Is this you? If there are so many people willing to do so much for others, why haven't I met any of them? I can't speak for men...from my observations, men have the enviable ability to hit it off over a beer at the football. It's not the meeting or connecting part I have issues with. Meeting other women in my age group and striking up a compelling conversation comes almost too easily. What I find difficult is maintaining these connections so that they evolve into meaningful, long term friendships. I am always willing to go to great lengths for someone I care about, perhaps I make the mistake of expecting others to do the same. I am always willing to extend myself and make every effort to create and share experiences assuming that can only result in a deeper, trusting and enduring friendship. I am prompt at returning calls, responding to texts and emails unless there is a legitimate reason why I cannot. I remember anniversaries. I make it a point to call and wish my friends well before undergoing a simple procedure, taking off on holiday, taking on a new role, or taking up a new course. I buy thoughtful gifts with my friend's taste or interests in mind, not mine. I celebrate their joy  and accomplishments, shoulder their misfortunes and share their grief....perhaps it is wrong of me to expect as much in return, but at what point does kindness become martyrdom? 

Perhaps there is substance in the notion that we are all emitting signals through the cosmos and the universe responds accordingly. Why is it then that I always get what I don't want? Perhaps I should give reverse psychology a go. 'No, no, honestly, my life is totally missing a self-indulgent, disingenuous, ungrateful bitch right now, please send me one ASAP!' I have more I want to say about this topic but I shall leave it for another time.

Don't worry - Be.

I'd like to make it abundantly clear that it is my sole intention to utilise this platform as a journal for myself, to better understand my complexities and to clarify my thoughts, fears, desires. I do not offer advice but I will on occasion share opinions and sentiments on various subjects, what you take away from those opinions is completely subjective, I am not here to debate or preach, I am here for me and I hope you are here for you. I may come across a little cynical in this post, I don't apologise for it. I can be cynical at times and that would be due to my skeptical nature. I strongly believe that in order to function in this society you must be skeptical, it's a pity more people are not, particularly when it comes to religion and more recently, spirituality and its countless affiliates.

The strongest message being sprouted online by new age advocates is the notion of happiness or more specifically, that it can be a permanent state of mind which we must all aspire to. I must confess, that a once, more naive me, swallowed this idea for a while, and as I recall, I was never more miserable. Happiness cannot be contrived. A daily deluge of positive affirmations, profound quotations, frisky kittens or sob stories featuring down and outs, still blissfully happy despite their challenging circumstances, do not hold the key that will turn that frown upside down. You might feel grateful, you may be momentarily amused or comforted...but this cannot be sustained all day, every day, particularly if you're quite content to be sad for a while. Happiness and joy are fleeting and human emotions are fickle, don't fight it, you'll be happier.

Another ubiquitous, new age message that has been eagerly embraced by the masses is living in the moment, the now. Not all extant moments are ideal, most are challenging, pathetic, miserable, lonely, depressing, painful and the last thing you're going to feel is happiness and that's ok. What prolongs the misery, is that we have convinced ourselves we're not allowed to be miserable and for the same reason, others won't allow us to be. We must hurry up and 'get over it'. Does happiness have a tight schedule?

Happiness is nothing more than an elusive mirage on the horizon, if you fix your gaze upon the mirage, you will pass by many oases. In life those oases do not come by often, there are long, hot, thirsty expanses to traverse before we arrive at another, the key is, that we must keep moving.

Here's a thought, a rather ironic one, given the deceptively pessimistic tone of my post - try optimism. Optimism is far more easily attainable. Happiness is not a decision, it is a consequence of optimism. Optimism, now that's a decision.

Take a Seat

And so it begins. Perhaps it is ambitious and idealistic of me but I want to hope, that these daily entries will provide a meagre substitute for therapy. You see, much to my despair, my psychologist recently moved interstate. A pity. After months of vague scepticism I had to admit that I was slowly making progress. Regardless of my disposition, I was becoming more self aware, more objective and therefore, pro active and effective in my response. I hate to borrow this over-used phrase but I was becoming 'more mindful' as she often put it. And as a plus, well, I had grown rather fond of her and looked forward to the exquisite opportunity to be gifted with the trust and undivided attention of another, without being assaulted with a counter response for every disclosure.

Having a reliable therapist is rather a selfish indulgence, unlike friends there is no effort on your part to reciprocate or share a burden (you are there to unload). There is no guilt involved. When you're not talking about yourself you're listening to advice that will benefit only you and when you finally get over yourself, there is no shame, due largely to the fact that you are not being judged and if you are, she won't let on.

Unravelling myself is going to be a long, perhaps tedious process and also, I hope, an amusing one. Humour has been the only constant in my life - a necessity, to rival the pain and despair...after all, is that not simply life itself? Comedy and tragedy? I'm going to focus on happiness tomorrow, my interpretation and why it's become an unrealistic pursuit in modern society.

The Satiated Mind

As a writer, or any artist, striking a hesitant mark on a blank canvas calls for immense courage. They are words...letters placed cohesively, coherently, one in front of the other. We may have been told we do it well, we may have been told perhaps, to our horror, that it is something we should do more of. Yet all the while we wonder, will our letters offend? Will they clasp hands and bounce elegantly, rhythmically upon the page or will they step clumsily upon the other's foot to the amusement of millions? We are the choreographers, the composers, the painters, the chefs, the engineers and the directors of words. These happen to be mine. I must now concede, that in order to purge my satiated mind, apprehension, fear, doubt and insecurity must also vie for space? To be well received is a comfort, but I cannot allow it to be my incentive.